That's fucking stupid

Let’s talk about browsers and the news that Microsoft will be selling Windows 7 (or Windows Vista Service Pack 2 with added XP as it should be called) in a special EU flavour that does not include Internet Explorer.

OK, I know it’s not the most thrilling of things to talk about but it’s a fucking Monday and my head is throbbing because I want to stab this woman in the face with a pencil.

The EU have gotten this fucked up idea that they should be doing laws and shit so Opera (people who make a browser that is so good almost nobody uses it) decided a little while ago they would try to get more people using their browser by asking the EU to tell Microsoft to stop being ‘anti-competitive’. It’s all a bit tragic really and just shows how completely fucking pointless the EU is because they are busy fighting stupid battles like this rather than taking the US and UK to task for invading Iraq or sorting out the vast moneygeddon bank fucktardery. What’s even more tragic is that they haven’t actually gotten very far with sorting out the problem, mainly because no problem actually exists.

To recap on past events*:

• God and Al Gore made the Internet. It was better than everyone else’s internet so everyone started using it to get their porn.
• A fine upstanding Brit decided that porn would be better delivered if some stupid spider web analogy was used. He bastardised existing protocols to make the world wide web.
• In order to get at stuff over the Internet tubes the users needed a bit of software called a browser so a few sad fuckos with nothing else to do started making them and giving them away for free.  The guys at Netscape wrote a pretty good program for getting at porn and it was the least shit for a while.
• Microsoft figured that as everyone was starting to use this free shit that made the porn easier to get at, maybe they should make their own and give it away for free too.
• A period ensued called the browser wars. Nobody actually fought; it was less interesting than the supermarket wars and I couldn’t get a loaf of bread for nine pence.
• Everyone else apart from Microsoft gave up because they realised that if you give someone something that is good enough and it’s free they are not going to invest effort in something that is marginally better and also free.
• The Netscape people returned to their collective mothers basements and masturbated furiously for a decade while chanting ‘we will have our revenge’.
• Microsoft got distracted by other shiny things like the fact that they were getting fisted by Google on the search market and so stopped making their browser any better.
• Some of the Netscape people started making a new browser which was in fact pretty much the same browser but with new features; they called it Firefox. Meanwhile Opera made their browser with some interesting features that were slightly useful.
• Microsoft suddenly had competition again so looked at what was good and stuck it into their browser.
• Google weighed in with their own browser which didn’t turn water into wine, didn’t part the Red Sea and didn’t make porn any easier to get (although it did make it easier to hide the fact that you had been looking at porn from your wife mom).

So this brings us more or less up to the present day. Around 90% of people continue to use the browser that was installed as part of their operating system and the rest, the people who either

1. Care
2. Know someone else who cares and who generally fucks around with their PC

have got some other browser such as Opera, Firefox or Chrome installed.

What the EU wants is for Microsoft to level the playing field a little by shipping Windows Vista Service Pack 2 with added XP in a vanilla flavour sans IE sort of way, well actually that’s bullshit they want something that they have not really defined but Microsoft have offered to jump the gun by offering this as a compromise**. The problem is that what will then happen is that various vendors will be offered cash by different browser makers to put their particular browser on PCs before they are shipped to the XYY chromasome people who shop at PC World***. Of course in reality the people who have the cash to do this are not Opera or Mozilla (the rapists behind Firefox) but Microsoft and Google. Google owns the Internet now and all your PCs are belong to Microsoft so you’ll have a fifty fifty split between which giant American monolith has pwned your browser and your porn viewing.

Now, why is this important?

IT JUST FUCKING ISN’T.

Nobody cares what browser they have, so long as it shows the porn right, just as girls don’t care what car engine they have so long as they can have a pink fluffy steering wheel cover and it gets them to the shops so they can buy shoes. It’s for the same reason nobody**** cares about Linux other than Linus Torvalds and the basement dwelling self-pleasurers that actually do care far more than is really healthy. When Joe Sixpack goes to buy a computer they just want to be able to browse the web for porn, write letters and play some games; they don’t want to do a computer science degree or learn about anything other than the look on Pammy’s face when Tommy Lee fired a gob load of man juice down her gullet. I bought a DVD player last month and I didn’t care what chips were in it, what frequency the laser was or what buffering algorithm it used; all I gave a toss about was if it would play my DVDs that I bought in Amsterdam and would it work with my fucking huge jizz-stained tele. The cunts that tell you that Firefox is better than IE are missing the fact that both of them display sites like Facerape and Porntube so either is good enough for the average computer using wankmonkey and the cunts that tell you that Ubuntu is better than Windows are missing the fact that Call of Duty 5 runs 100% better on Windows than on Ubuntu.

Now get the fuck over what browser you use and what OS you like so you have got a bit more time to email a friend and go get a less shitty life.

EDIT:

As a reward for sitting though this frankly quite shitty post here’s some boobie.

* Some or all of which may be made up.

** For specific values of compromise

*** If you are in the US read this as Best Buy

**** For specific values of nobody

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