That's fucking stupid

Archive for the ‘Celebrity’ Category

Chubby motherfucker Kevin Smith, responsible for movies such as Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy along with such travesties as Dogma and Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back*, has been chucked off a flight for being a lardy cunt.

He’s now proceeding to whine to his millions of mindless idiot fans about how hard done by he is for not being allowed to fly on a plane he wasn’t even booked on. It seems he normally books out a row of three seats for him and his frighteningly scrawny wife (yes, the physics of how Harley Quinn came about are beyond me too) but this time the slightly unnerving wife wasn’t there so Kev only opted for two of the seats. Smith then arrived early for the flight he was planning on getting and asked to be bumped up to an earlier flight, one that was pretty full.

This seems to be where the breakdown in communication is. Southwest Air seems to have predicted the explosion in fat fuckery in the USA by introducing a policy 25 years ago which clearly states that tubby bitches who can’t fit in one seat are required to purchase two seats. In walks the lardy cake of shit that is Kevin Smith with two tickets in hand and no spaces on the flight for a double seat. Someone most probably either

1. Assumed the fat fucker was lying about not really needing two seats
2. Figured they couldn’t charge him for two seats if they didn’t give him two seats

Either way the butterball was bumped from that flight to the one that he was originally supposed to take and all should have been well in the world, but our Kevin wasn’t going to let it lie there; he decided to tweet his annoyance to the 1.6 million tossers who want to appear dramatically cooler than they actually are by following him on twitter**.

Now I’m conflicted on this so let’s have a for and against Kevin Smith list, let’s start with the for:

1. They didn’t have the space for his double seat, they could surely have checked that at the checkin desk?
2. He could fit his lardy ass in the seat and the two women seated next to him were ‘perfectly happy’***.
3. I went somewhere with my little brother when he was 12 and he no way took up a full seat. Could I get a discount from the airline? Could I fuck.
4. There was another fat bastard on the plane who didn’t get called out.
5. He has 1.6m twitter followers so fuck the lot of you, he can do what he likes.

On the flip side:

1. He ended up on the same fucking plane that he’d booked his oily ass on.
2. He’s an annoying whiny shitstorm so he probably said something to annoy someone.
3. Even if he didn’t say something to annoy someone I’d throw him off the plane just for giving Ben Affleck so much screen time.
4. Ditto Dogma.
5. Ditto ruining my childhood memories of Luke Skywalker by making Mark Hamill humiliate himself in J&SBSB.

So here’s my solution: let’s weigh all the passengers and their luggage before we fly them anywhere and then charge the cunts by weight.

And Kevin, you’ve got a few quid**** so don’t be tight, never turn right.

*Seriously, that movie was like having all of my senses raped by a tattooed guy called ‘Spider’.

**One must assume these people also follow Ashton Kutcher, President Obama & Shaquille O’Neill

***So fucking excited to be sat next to the world renowned sense raper Kevin Smith that they didn’t mind his flabby ass making an excursion to their seat while his sweaty bingo wings slapped them in the face every time he lifted his chubby arms in the air to make room for breathing

****As evidenced by the fact that you’re ugly as shit but have clearly had sex at least once.

BBC Radio 1 has been taking a detour from playing mediocre music and has begun another round of tedious social engineering on the youth of Britain. Gone are the days when the BBC used its power to inspire a generation of engineers, programmers and maths geeks; today it’s all about raising self esteem in kids who have no reason to have high self esteem. Now I know that someone is going to post about how I am a bully myself, which is cute, but high self esteem should be earned, you don’t get to feel good about what you’ve done unless you’ve done something worth being proud of and heaping praise on the losers just devalues those who decided to man the fuck up and do something worthwhile.

At this point I could get side tracked into how we have become an anti-competitive society, something probably led by the losers who were not good enough to make it in private enterprise and ended up as pen pushers in the public sector; teachers who, by the very nature of their profession, are failures in life are unlikely to encourage kids to succeed at the expense of the thick kids that make up an average of 50% of the class.

No, I shall not get sidetracked because the purpose of the rant is to point out a stunning bit of advice given by Chris Moyles’ tea boy, Aled Haydn Jones. This extremely qualified life coach summed up his advice for making yourself ‘bullyproof’* by telling people to “just be themselves” and of course to “believe in themselves”.

What the former bullying victim turned adviser on practically everything, despite not being even remotely able to do so in any meaningful manner, is telling kids to do is to stand out from the crowd and to be their own unique special self. Now far be it for me to contradict Mr Jones in his extremely well researched position, but I’m going to anyway.

Do you remember the kid who was an individual at school? The one that got the shit kicked out of him on a regular basis? If you don’t then that’s probably because that kid was you. Do you remember all the names and faces of all the kids that weren’t bullied? Of course you don’t, they blended in because they conformed to the expected social norms of that school. Remind me again, which one got bullied?

Now I’m not saying that we should all be clones but kids are like herd pack animals that pick on the one that is different, which makes logical sense really because if they picked on kids because of common characteristics then they would struggle to find support. While the one eyed man may be king of the land of the blind, in the school of the blind he would have the shit kicked out of him and be called Cyclops until he cried. Kids don’t pick on specific characteristics, they pick on uncommon ones. Normal targets when I was a lad were the thickies, the gingers, the asthmatics and those who were not good at rugby. In modern schools my 14 year old informant tells me that the bullied are the boffins, anyone who doesn’t care about football, and those with two parents and a shared surname. I once observed two schools where the peer pressure towards smoking differed dramatically: in one there were no smokers and new kids to the school who smoked were teased until they stopped; and in the other practically all the kids smoked and those who were teased were the minority of non smokers.

That’s not the half of it though: Dr Joe Allen has done quite a bit of research on peer pressure; he’s followed a bunch of kids from age 13 for the last decade and seen that those who felt more peer pressure as teens went on to be more socially capable in later life, while those who were able to ‘be themselves’ were far more likely in later life to be less able to form long term relationships. Kids who are prone to peer pressure and the sometimes negative influence of their peers in school are far more capable of the ‘give and take’ needed in long term adult relationships and are also more likely to behave within the social norms of adult life (getting a job and a partner rather than spending all the time on World of Warcraft masturbating furiously over pictures of Felicia Day).

So here’s the thing, well here’s two things:

1. Aled, shut the fuck up. No wonder you were bullied at school. Twat.
2. If you love your kids then don’t doom them to a life as a social outcast. Teach them to accept peer pressure and conform to the group norm as that way they will blend in under the radar of the bullies who will find some other kid to steal lunch money from. When your kid is a faceless corporate whore earning a shitload of money with a lovely family they will thank you for not teaching them to be a pierced but unemployed social clusterfuck.

* The bullyproof campaign is a corker in its cynical insistence on being ‘down with the kids’ and using social media. Kids have been encouraged to put a ‘bullyproof’ brand on their twatter, shitspace and facerape profile pictures to show that they are bullyproof, thereby marking themselves out for a good honest shitkicking by any bully with any dignity. Of course, no matter how many E list celebs they persuade to put a banner on their profile, the kids aren’t going to do the e-bullying equivalent of dramatically and camply dropping the soap in front of the big guy with a tattoo of a spider web on his face.

Google, while creating a showcase of how ‘celebs’ use the iGoogle service, seems to have managed to accidentally create a list of the top 30 douchebags in the world.

http://www.google.com/help/ig/showcase/index.html

Seriously, click on some faces and read their bios, they’re fucking hilarious.

Graham Norton, on Ireland in the Eurovision Song Contest:

My earliest recollection is Dana bringing Eurovision back to Ireland. We were rubbish at everything but we were good at that.

Completely off-topic for this ranty corner of the intertubes, I know, but I just couldn’t help posting this!

We would like to share with you the story of a very brave young woman who was recently diagnosed with cancer and has spent the time since raising awareness and raising money for vital research into a cure. We hope this inspires you to do something worthwhile. Maybe you could just donate the cover price of an issue of the Daily Mail (50p) or if you are feeling generous, an issue of OK Magazine £2.95).