That's fucking stupid

Archive for the ‘Fuck ups’ Category

Microsoft has agreed to put the following choice screen into Windows so that people have another reason to ring the PC World support desk, or their 19 year old nephew that ‘does a bit of web design’ to ask stupid and pointless questions.

I download copyright material using the Internet, mainly films. I’m happy for the world to know this and if any of the movie companies want to get in touch they are welcome to do so via the usual channels. I’m happy to talk to them about it and listen to why they think I should stop doing what I’m doing.

I suppose I had better clarify what I do though, so you can get a picture of what a typical copyright infringing criminal is like.

I love movies. I go to the cinema regularly, I own a lot of DVDs and I have a Love Film subscription. I also have the full Sky Movies package and sometimes rent movies through xbox live of by visiting my local Blockbuster.

That’s why I also torrent movies.

You see the last movie I torrented was an obscure movie I couldn’t get hold of any other way. I really really did try to pay for it.

Prior to that the last movie I torrented was Zombieland. It’s not theft because I have not deprived the cinema of any earnings, I had already seen it once when it was in the cinema and shall be buying the DVD as soon as it comes out (March 15th, guys, it’s an excellent movie). I downloaded the torrent because I wanted to watch it again in the gap between cinema run closing and DVD release. Most of the movies I have torrented have either been because I’ve already paid several times to see them, or because I intend to do so as soon as the movie is available again.

So here’s my thrown down gauntlet for the movie industry: quite your whining at people like me. Go after the gangs who download movies and then sell them, not me. If you do hassle me with threats of disconnection then I will stop buying your product completely.

Chubby motherfucker Kevin Smith, responsible for movies such as Clerks, Mallrats and Chasing Amy along with such travesties as Dogma and Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back*, has been chucked off a flight for being a lardy cunt.

He’s now proceeding to whine to his millions of mindless idiot fans about how hard done by he is for not being allowed to fly on a plane he wasn’t even booked on. It seems he normally books out a row of three seats for him and his frighteningly scrawny wife (yes, the physics of how Harley Quinn came about are beyond me too) but this time the slightly unnerving wife wasn’t there so Kev only opted for two of the seats. Smith then arrived early for the flight he was planning on getting and asked to be bumped up to an earlier flight, one that was pretty full.

This seems to be where the breakdown in communication is. Southwest Air seems to have predicted the explosion in fat fuckery in the USA by introducing a policy 25 years ago which clearly states that tubby bitches who can’t fit in one seat are required to purchase two seats. In walks the lardy cake of shit that is Kevin Smith with two tickets in hand and no spaces on the flight for a double seat. Someone most probably either

1. Assumed the fat fucker was lying about not really needing two seats
2. Figured they couldn’t charge him for two seats if they didn’t give him two seats

Either way the butterball was bumped from that flight to the one that he was originally supposed to take and all should have been well in the world, but our Kevin wasn’t going to let it lie there; he decided to tweet his annoyance to the 1.6 million tossers who want to appear dramatically cooler than they actually are by following him on twitter**.

Now I’m conflicted on this so let’s have a for and against Kevin Smith list, let’s start with the for:

1. They didn’t have the space for his double seat, they could surely have checked that at the checkin desk?
2. He could fit his lardy ass in the seat and the two women seated next to him were ‘perfectly happy’***.
3. I went somewhere with my little brother when he was 12 and he no way took up a full seat. Could I get a discount from the airline? Could I fuck.
4. There was another fat bastard on the plane who didn’t get called out.
5. He has 1.6m twitter followers so fuck the lot of you, he can do what he likes.

On the flip side:

1. He ended up on the same fucking plane that he’d booked his oily ass on.
2. He’s an annoying whiny shitstorm so he probably said something to annoy someone.
3. Even if he didn’t say something to annoy someone I’d throw him off the plane just for giving Ben Affleck so much screen time.
4. Ditto Dogma.
5. Ditto ruining my childhood memories of Luke Skywalker by making Mark Hamill humiliate himself in J&SBSB.

So here’s my solution: let’s weigh all the passengers and their luggage before we fly them anywhere and then charge the cunts by weight.

And Kevin, you’ve got a few quid**** so don’t be tight, never turn right.

*Seriously, that movie was like having all of my senses raped by a tattooed guy called ‘Spider’.

**One must assume these people also follow Ashton Kutcher, President Obama & Shaquille O’Neill

***So fucking excited to be sat next to the world renowned sense raper Kevin Smith that they didn’t mind his flabby ass making an excursion to their seat while his sweaty bingo wings slapped them in the face every time he lifted his chubby arms in the air to make room for breathing

****As evidenced by the fact that you’re ugly as shit but have clearly had sex at least once.

The Supreme Leader plans to stop direct flights from Yemen to the UK. That’ll stop ‘em.

Trouble is, banning direct flights only really works if there are only two countries in existence.

This story is a pretty funny example of how retarded a few coppers can be if they have nothing better to do.