I have to admit that I am a big fan of the class system because it lets everyone know where they belong. I know that since the days of Blair we are supposed to think we are living in a class free society but when it comes down to it, who would you respect to run the country and the capital city out of these two photos?
Of course any fool who is not trying to be deliberatly obtuse would prefer the toffs in power over the lazy work shy scum and that’s because we naturally trust people who have the correct number of chromasomes and can spell their own names correctly.
The problem with the class system is that it has lost its way in recent years, the once simple definitions of working class, middle class and upper class don’t cut it any more and we need some new definitions. I suggest that the entire class system be divided into two main superclasses with three subclasses underneath:
Upper Superclass
- Upper Class - The traditional toffs who were born into it and so have the benefit of a good education and have the expectations of their parents &peers to guide them. They are better than most of us because they are expected to be better and so in most cases rise to the challenge. Most of the traditional Tory sorts would fall into this category.
Newspaper of choice: FT, Telegraph
- Middle Class - Those who gained a profession or worked hard to get a little more than those around them. This would not include anyone who lives in a ’semi’ and thinks that doylies are a good idea. Mainly this would be junior and middle ranking officers in the armed forces, doctors, laywers, CEOs and also most business owners. Most of New Labour would be somewhere in here as they are the top tier of the working men and women.
Newspaper of choice: Times
- Working Class - The salt of the earth workers who pay their taxes and get butt fucked by the government at every corner. The people with trades or skills that are important to the country and should be valued, but aren’t.
Newspaper of choice: The Sun
Lower Superclass
- Celebrity Class - No talent, no brains but elevated above all the others in the lower superclass because they went on X Factor and the public loved them. Overpaid footballers and talent free boy bands would all stake their claim to this territory, as would the likes of Heather Mills, Charlotte Church, Catherine Zeta Jones and Kerry Catona.
Newspaper of choice: Unlikely to read but can be seen in periodicals such as “Heat”
- Pretentious Class - Yes, here are the people who live in a semi and think that doylies are good. Normally proud of a few nice pictures of horses around the house and probably collectors of those silly little glass or porcelain animals. These are the people who read the Daily Mail and constitute ‘middle england’. Likely to be outraged at things the gutter press tells them to be outraged at.
Newspaper of choice: The Daily Mail
- The Chav Class - You know who they are. These are the rung well below the working classes who don’t work and spend their time claiming benefits for imaginary diabilities. These are the people who are draining the country of resources and are the product of a generation of celebrating laziness and greed. Every year they elect one or more of their own to be elevated to celebrity status through some form of talentless talent show. These are the people who: go on Jeremy Kyle, breed, wear tracksuits, have Sky TV, spend a fortune on pay as you go mobiles, do the lottery, think easyjet and ryanair are a good way to travel and raise their kids to think that the best career options are either to get pregnant and claim benefits or get someone else pregnant and live off benefits. Likely to have fat kids because they are too thick to cook healthy meals.
Newspaper of choice: Heat Magazine
Well done, the nation: you’ve just realised that two entertainers who are well-known for stepping over the mark have done just that.
- Number of complaints after the details of the misdemeanour got to the press: 18,000
- Number of complaints from people who actually heard the show: 9
Ah, and the “spear chucker” comment! oh the irony that the people who’ve complained aren’t the ones affected by it (not that anyone has been affected at all). I particularly admired the chutzpah displayed
by Lucy Hagan (one of daily shitrag The Sun’s supreme idiots), on dragging out this little gem: “Maori New Zealander John Witanga won £11,000 in a race discrimination case in 2003 after being called a spear chucker in his first week at catering firm Rail Gourmet, of Edinburgh.”
Dear listener, you may notice here that Mr Witanga was not a Competitive Lance Projection Professional, but in fact a Nourishment Preparation Technician. Meaning that the reason he was called a spear chucker was not because he’s a spear chucker, but because his boss was a cunt. Once more, for clarity: his boss said “spear chucker” because he was a racist shit. Jim Rosenthal said “spear chucker” because Tessa Sanderson chucks spears. Chucking spears formed the near-entirety of her working life. Spears she did chuck and that’s the end of it.
The main reason and thrust of this rant is in fact Gary Glitter’s music being pulled from the GCSE Music syllabus. You see, dear reader, this is a little something we in the industry call “art”. A bit technical, I know but you get the idea. The point of art being the art itself, and not the morals of the person behind it. Conversely, look at Damien Hirst’s work. Lovely person that I’m sure he is, it doesn’t stop The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living being shit.
Still, the Righteous Indignants must have their way. So in the traditions of angry mobs and bandwagons, I’m calling for the following to be banned:
- Elvis, Hendrix, and the Beatles:
sorry loves, due to your private drug use and (lord help us) songs about drug use (yes, Lennon, I’m talking to you) your works are to be banned immediately. No matter how influential.
- Winehouse and Doherty:
just because you’re still alive, doesn’t mean you’re not to be banned too.
- Wagner:
now there’s a nasty chap. Hitler liked him, didn’t you know? Oh, and in that case you couldn’t possibly mention Hitler in a history classes, or pretty much anything from the Bible when it comes to
Religious Education. Oh, wait, maybe there is an upside to this after all.
Now let’s get this sick filth banned!
You heard about the Ross/Brand thing? It’s unlikely that you would had it not been for the newspapers spreading the outrage far and wide. I tend to assume that the people who read this are smart, mainly because smart people enjoy laughing at the things stupid people do and stupid people are not going to log on to a site to read about how stupid they are. If this is the case and you are a smart reader then I don’t really need to explain what was so fundamentally wrong with the whole ‘controversy’.
Instead I am going to blatantly steal an idea from B3ta and ask you all to do this:
1. Go to www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/complaints_stage1.shtml
2. Make sure you have the ‘Make a complaint’ box ticked
3.Complain about ‘Television Programmes’
4. Select bbc 1 and Put 02/11/08 in date
5.Songs of Praise in Programme box
6. Make a sensible complaint about how and why you dislike Songs of Praise - you could point out how silly it is for license payers to be forced to subsidise the church of england’s advertising campaign, for example.
7. Put in some false (but reasonable) details.
Somehow I doubt that famous 80s choirboy hasbeen Aled Jones will be sacked in a right wing newspaper fuelled witch hunt, but then it might be a slow news day.
I am no financial whizz. I live on my overdraft and tend to spend every saved penny on extravagant gifts for my girlfriend but even I know that if I was going to invest my money in a foreign bank I would not want it to be in a country where 80% of the population still believe in elves. I would also want to invest it in a country that has a little more by way of collateral than a few volcanoes and a failing fishing industry.
I understand that they offered good rates of return and all the snake oil that you could buy but why are our borough and county councils keeping their money in risky offshore accounts when they could be safe and sound in Treasury backed UK accounts? It does not seem to make sense that councils, often the hotbed for corruption and mismanagement, have been allowed to choose where they put their money rather than being required to put it somewhere safe and within the oversight of the central government.
